Synaptic Erosion

Last night my sister-in-law, my daughter and I went to see the movie Blind Side with Sandra Bullock. We have been going to dinner and the movies together once a year as a tradition (it’s usually the only time my mother-in-law gets to the movies, but she was making sausages last night and said she stunk too badly!).

As we pulled into the parking lot a huge brawl between 20 young guys was breaking out literally in front of my car forcing us to stop and watch it. We couldn’t hear the verbal exchanges and saw a few punches thrown but Security had just arrived allowing us to actually get to a parking spot. Walking into the theater we saw two smaller groups of guys getting their last words in as 5-6 other security vehicles with mall cops were forcing the guys out. It almost got dangerous for us but we made it inside.

The movie was unbelievable; Sandra Bullock is stellar as a big-hearted, generous momma to a boy who fortuitously makes it out of his ghetto environment and into a “white walls” world with nothing but the clothes on his back. But I digress…

As we walked out, recalling what we’d experienced on the way in, I began sharing my experience from earlier that day as I witnessed my son roughhousing with 2 friends. I was talking about how boys fight to burn off steam and stay friends. Although staying friends was unlikely after the parking lot brawl, I was getting to my point about how fighting is one of the biggest gender differences I’ve observed when I had a synaptic erosion and lost my train of thought.

I’d been reaching into my purse for the car key and was cold and apparently that was all the distraction needed to break the synapse-firing in my brain.I knew I was making a point, but none of us could recall what I was talking about.

The next morning as I tried to recall my dreams, and have been struggling to recall details (also synaptic erosion) I tried a few techniques: one is to hold onto key words, another is to objectively watch where the mind wants to go upon waking. The first technique got me holding onto a ridiculous street name (Tilapia Way) which seemed completely irrelevant to the dream and I subsequently lost most of the substance of it. The second technique got me recalling the movie and violà – the brain connection was restored!

Calling my sister-in-law to announce my thought is crazy; women communicate in the moment and that moment was lost. Women’s brains use a circular processing vs. a male brain’s primarily linear process.

Thinking about the many conversational moments I have lost due to synaptic erosion makes me sad; sad for the potential bonds that were not made conversationally, and sad about the gap between circular and linear thinking. I believe that circular—i.e. holistic—thinking is the key to resolving conflict.

The pace of life is getting faster and details are increasingly difficult to contain in our minds. We adapt by having increasingly sophisticated techniques for storing and recalling details, but these techniques fail us repeatedly. Why don’t we also adapt by better supporting the feminine brain’s natural talent for connecting the threads of experiences in non-linear creative ways?

A resolution I have made to support my “fellow” females (which is bearing fruit and creating deep, loving relationships) is to listen deeply for these synaptic erosions and try to help restore brain connections together. This is easiest when in a group of all women, and it quickly grows challenging when in mixed company. My husband and son are becoming very aware of their topic change tendencies and the need to wait for the threads of connection my daughter and I attempt to weave.

It takes time and patience to listen to threads of ideas. And it is interesting to think about the time and patience Sandra Bullock’s character (Blind Side is based on a true story) had with the boy that came into her life. She could have taken a singular give-the-kid-a-place-to-sleep-for-the-night (or “his hardship is not my concern”) approach, but instead took a whole-life view and gave a young man the support he needed to create and hold onto his dreams.

As for the boys fighting in the parking lot, perhaps all they really want is for someone to spend time and patience listening to them...