Apathy Inaction

Last night after dropping my daughter’s friend off I nearly got us (at least myself) killed. My foot slipped off the gas pedal as I pulled out into the busy street and I just sat there watching the headlights of a car speeding toward me. I had no response; just sat there numb and didn’t care if I did or didn’t get hit. I didn’t care if I’d die or didn’t die.

I had a subtle sense of concern over my sister and daughter in the car. I heard a horn blaring, saw that the car appeared to be stopping and noticed there was a car coming from the other side too. But I wasn’t fazed. When I was ready to move, I lifted my foot off the clutch, pressed the gas & said “well that was extra stress that I can’t afford” and drove home with my sister holding her heart with one hand and my hand with the other.

This experience helped me realize just how much stress I’ve been under lately, mostly work-related. So I spent the weekend asking myself if it is worth it. That is a big question especially given how long I have wanted to do the work I’m doing and how much I love it… But there are factors beyond my control that are showing up and affecting my health.

Like in the children’s book Sleepy Time Olie, where Olie’s Pappy breaks his smile and says

“…my heart has lost its swing; my legs have lost their sway.

My step has not a bit of spring, my hip has no hooray.

I feel old and all kerplopply—I’m a walking junk parade”.

Who knows, I may find that there is an Olie somewhere making a super silly ray to save the day; maybe not.It’s kind of bizarre but the near miss last night has awoken me to the reality that I have to take a more self-preservation stance in my life.