Holding Back

How many times (a day?!) do we find ourselves holding back our words and deeds and ultimately our intuition? This is an immensely powerful question that has gotten me to the roots of disabling patterns. What makes me (or anyone) hold back?

Last week I traveled a long distance with someone I have loved my entire life. We shared some great laughs, reminisced about both funny and painful memories, and opened ourselves up to share details of our deepest concerns. It was easy given the biological closeness and physical proximity we shared yet I found myself holding back considerably because of communication patterns that left me feeling disabled.

It is hard to pay careful attention to what someone (even a sibling) is saying…while flying through the mind for shared histories that might be influencing what is being said…while figuring out what key elements might be left unspoken…while paying attention to one’s own reactions to what is being said, not to mention trying to figure out why one might be reacting in the first place.

Being proactive and spending some time writing, I was able to reflect on some “excited” interactions where one or both of us was digging our heels in or posturing about some trivial thing (like when Uncle George died. When one aunt confirmed my opinion another aunt was called with the hopes of confirming the other opinion but she wasn’t available).

Standard journaling wasn’t enough to get me unstuck so I wrote a letter to my deceased mother—she’s such a great listener!—asking for some advice about how to know if and when to hold back. Sometimes it seems noble and other times it seems passive aggressive or disabling.

Mom “reminded me” of two aspects of communication that I have worked on for years. I felt a need to share these insights if another conflict came up, but the next day I was quite refreshed and didn’t perceive anything to be worthy of the term conflict. Amazing how that happens…

We had stayed the night in a delightful home in Carboro, NC. At one point I’d walked over to the sun porch, and read this quotation from Dante on the wall:

The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who, in times of great moral crisis, maintain their neutrality.

I knew there was something significant about it, but it wasn’t until after I’d rested, journaled, written to my mother, AND incubated a dream, that I understood my own neutrality and communication pattern of holding back. It was less a matter of holding back my thoughts in conversation—my “inspired words” that would finally bridge the gap I felt. No, I could now see that I’d been also holding back my heart, the conduit of love through which relationships are enhanced or stifled.  

Traveling often gives us the luxury of time and space to reflect on things. I took the opportunity to ponder a few questions: Does my heart have the upper hand on knowing when to hold back and when to open up or does my head take over the decision process? Or is it a dialogue between the two?As a result, I set an intention about when or when not to hold back—striking up a figurative dialogue between my heart’s desire to love or protect itself and my head’s desire to express thought it deems helpful and relevant. 

To summarize the Inner Fortune journaling techniques used in this process:

1.       I logged feelings I was having and used the “something I want to remember” tool in the Family section

2.       I wrote a letter to someone who I look to for advice

3.       I opened my insight (or inner eye) to look for helpful signs/messages

4.       I set an intention before bed to receive helpful dreams

5.       AND I had referred to and added more items to the “I am grateful for” page